Girls tend to receive more first-messages than they send (http://blog.okcupid.com/). After two months on the site I've received messages, winks and favorites from over 80 different men. By comparison, I've initiated about 10 conversations, three of which are with guys I've no intention of meeting (due to distance). In spite of the onslaught, I still try to respond to each *real* message in some fashion. Winks, favorites and messages that include the word "sexy" are not *real* messages, and I ignore them right off the bat.
Guys who message me who are clearly not even remotely interesting to me (republicans, the faithful, etc.) get a canned message: "Hi ___, Thanks for your message. I'm sorry, but I don't think we're a match. Good luck on your search!"
Usually I don't get a response back. A couple of guys have thanked me for the response and the honesty (which piques my interest in the guy for about a half a second). A couple have fussed about how cool they think I am and how we could really be something (poor guys). And then there was the Mean Guy.
Remember how OkCupid helps a girl out, and uses the phrase "Y'all got issues" when you're viewing a profile of a guy who's match and enemy percentages are really bad? Mean Guy's profile said "Y'all got issues" on it. He is also a self proclaimed loud mouth. Those were two of the red flags I remember. One thing I also remember is his reference to drama. He was very clear at two points in his profile that he does not want drama. Somebody recently told me this is a red flag. Anybody who refers to drama has drama. They may not like it, but somehow they attract it, are attracted to it, or they are unconsciously creating it. To be fair, I read his whole profile before responding with the canned "no thanks."
I did not get any of the usual responses to my rejection message. Instead I got a series of messages (three of them) strewn with really foul language, indicating that I should go f* myself and that I was a dirty hipster b*. Ok, hold the phone. Hipster? Did he read my profile at all? I don't know anything about music and I like to Dance! Has he ever met a hipster? All they do is act pretentious about music; plus they are way too cool to dance (ever)!
Then he told me what he thought I should (inappropriately) do with my yoga mat. Yoga? I don't do yoga. I don't even mention it in my profile to make myself seem less lethargic than I am... I even admit in my questions that I never meditate (an "Unacceptable Answer" for almost every guy on the freaking site)! Sure seems like he never actually read my profile!
Okay, so clearly this guy with the potty mouth was upset and then allowed himself to be irrationally abusive to a stranger. Lesson learned? If they guy mentions drama in his profile, it's okay to be rude and ignore him. It's better than the alternative!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
y'all got issues
I have a filter on my incoming messages. If someone has less than 80% match, they get a warning message that essentially says, "She doesn't want to hear from you because y'all have less than 80% match." There's another filter that says something similar to the fellow if they have answered less than 100 questions. I wish I could filter for the enemy %, but alas, that is as of yet impossible.
I still get messages from these people, and there's a little warning for me attached to their message alerting me to the unfortunate circumstance of not passing muster. One such man hadn't ever answered a single question. I kindly replied and said that he would be more than welcome to message me once he had answered some questions. I didn't expect a response, but 12 days later he sent me an update: "25 down, 75 to go!"
So why does this matter to me so much? This is what I didn't explain to Mr. 25 questions: it's really important to me that my partner and I have shared values. Knowing how my partner feels about politics, gay marriage, religion, monogamy and other super important stuff is awesome. Knowing before even talking to the person is Amazing.
There are three percentages on OkCupid: Match, Friend and Enemy.
When you answer all those questions, you have three parts to fill out:
1) Your answer.
2) The answer(s) you want your partner to say.
3) The level of importance to you that your partner answers the way you'd like them to.
According to my ex (who is almost always right), the more often you and the other person respond to #1 the same way, the higher the Friend %. The more often you answer the way the other person wants you to (and vice versa), the higher the Match %. The more often you answer differently from the way the other person wants you to (and vice versa), the higher the Enemy %.
Normally the first three tabs on a person's profile are About, Photos, The Two of Us. When the two people have low match percentages and high enemy percentages, OkCupid helps a girl out. In this type of situation the tabs say: About, Photos, Y'all got issues. Check please!
I still get messages from these people, and there's a little warning for me attached to their message alerting me to the unfortunate circumstance of not passing muster. One such man hadn't ever answered a single question. I kindly replied and said that he would be more than welcome to message me once he had answered some questions. I didn't expect a response, but 12 days later he sent me an update: "25 down, 75 to go!"
So why does this matter to me so much? This is what I didn't explain to Mr. 25 questions: it's really important to me that my partner and I have shared values. Knowing how my partner feels about politics, gay marriage, religion, monogamy and other super important stuff is awesome. Knowing before even talking to the person is Amazing.
There are three percentages on OkCupid: Match, Friend and Enemy.
When you answer all those questions, you have three parts to fill out:
1) Your answer.
2) The answer(s) you want your partner to say.
3) The level of importance to you that your partner answers the way you'd like them to.
According to my ex (who is almost always right), the more often you and the other person respond to #1 the same way, the higher the Friend %. The more often you answer the way the other person wants you to (and vice versa), the higher the Match %. The more often you answer differently from the way the other person wants you to (and vice versa), the higher the Enemy %.
Normally the first three tabs on a person's profile are About, Photos, The Two of Us. When the two people have low match percentages and high enemy percentages, OkCupid helps a girl out. In this type of situation the tabs say: About, Photos, Y'all got issues. Check please!
laughing is unacceptable
I like to look at the "Unacceptable Answers" when viewing a man's profile. This is how I find out, for example, that a guy "isn't sure" if kissing someone other than their partner is cheating. Or, that a guy relies more on faith than on science. He may have written extraordinarily enticing things in his profile, and he may have a sexy face, but the wrong answer to a few select questions and I'll move on. (But not before writing myself a note to remember why I don't like the dude.)
The way this works is by choosing a level of importance (from a little to mandatory), and when the person responds in a way you don't like (and vice versa), the "bad" answer is red and shows up in the "Unacceptable Answers" category. I'm picky about which questions are important to me, so that I can make sure our match and enemy percentages are accurate.
There's a wonderful option when answering questions. It's the "irrelevant" button. I love it. In lieu of choosing just one possible answer, you accept them all! For example, when faced with the question, "Do you like peanut butter?" it probably isn't a dealbreaker if the person has a different preference than you have about this particular food product. I can't picture anyone saying, "You like peanut butter!? Well, this is definitely not going to work out between us..." This would a perfect opportunity to use the irrelevant button (except that this is a fake question to make a point).
Or, for example, when answering this totally real question, "When you are alone, how often do your own actions make you laugh?" it would be absurd to choose anything other than "irrelevant." I would never rule out dating someone because they make themselves laugh - or because they don't make themselves laugh!
Unfortunately, in my opinion, the irrelevant button is not used with enough frequency. I have come across men whose answers to most questions are very similar to mine, but with whom I share a high enemy %. When I compare our "Unacceptable Answers" I usually find that they have never once used the irrelevant button.
One fellow who rated me very highly and who I think is pretty darn awesome finds it unacceptable that I am an adventurous eater (like him), that I went to grad school, and that I'm always open with my feelings. I'm surprised by this. But perhaps more surprising is the fact that his political beliefs are "very important" to him, but he finds it unacceptable that my political beliefs are "very important" to me. What!?
The way this works is by choosing a level of importance (from a little to mandatory), and when the person responds in a way you don't like (and vice versa), the "bad" answer is red and shows up in the "Unacceptable Answers" category. I'm picky about which questions are important to me, so that I can make sure our match and enemy percentages are accurate.
There's a wonderful option when answering questions. It's the "irrelevant" button. I love it. In lieu of choosing just one possible answer, you accept them all! For example, when faced with the question, "Do you like peanut butter?" it probably isn't a dealbreaker if the person has a different preference than you have about this particular food product. I can't picture anyone saying, "You like peanut butter!? Well, this is definitely not going to work out between us..." This would a perfect opportunity to use the irrelevant button (except that this is a fake question to make a point).
Or, for example, when answering this totally real question, "When you are alone, how often do your own actions make you laugh?" it would be absurd to choose anything other than "irrelevant." I would never rule out dating someone because they make themselves laugh - or because they don't make themselves laugh!
Unfortunately, in my opinion, the irrelevant button is not used with enough frequency. I have come across men whose answers to most questions are very similar to mine, but with whom I share a high enemy %. When I compare our "Unacceptable Answers" I usually find that they have never once used the irrelevant button.
One fellow who rated me very highly and who I think is pretty darn awesome finds it unacceptable that I am an adventurous eater (like him), that I went to grad school, and that I'm always open with my feelings. I'm surprised by this. But perhaps more surprising is the fact that his political beliefs are "very important" to him, but he finds it unacceptable that my political beliefs are "very important" to me. What!?
men are like sperm
My ex and I spent a number of years attempting to make our relationship work, and somehow ended things in such an amicable way, we chat about our OkCupid experiences. I'm rather impressed by our (unlikely) ability to remain friends and even offer advice and feedback on our individual dating experiences.
He started it. Immediately after our break up he had a profile on OkCupid and was striking up conversations with the ladies. He's a rather shy person, so I was pleasantly surprised by the number of dates he was going on as a result of his time on the site. So I gave it a go.
At first I obsessively answered the "OkC" questions. I would find a guy I thought was cute and answer the questions he had answered so I could see his answers. I viewed profile after profile, answering more and more questions, staying up all hours of the night. The exciting feeling of discovering the intimate secrets of each man propelled me forward. After about 10 days and countless hours of sleep lost to the net, I reached 300 answered questions. The initial excitement was becoming ho-hum, and I had this sinking feeling that if I answered any more of them I might seem crazy or desperate.
About two weeks into the experience I was overwhelmed. Not only had I been obsessed with the site for 14 days straight, I was also regularly getting new messages I felt compelled to respond to. In addition to living my normal life of work and socializing, it didn't seem possible to also respond thoughtfully and courteously to each man, as much as I felt that was the only proper and polite thing to do. I went to my ex for advice.
He said, "Tam, men are like sperm. They make up half the planet! There's billions of them and they'll always be more to meet. It's your job to block all but the right one! It's okay to keep some at bay." Words to live by.
He started it. Immediately after our break up he had a profile on OkCupid and was striking up conversations with the ladies. He's a rather shy person, so I was pleasantly surprised by the number of dates he was going on as a result of his time on the site. So I gave it a go.
At first I obsessively answered the "OkC" questions. I would find a guy I thought was cute and answer the questions he had answered so I could see his answers. I viewed profile after profile, answering more and more questions, staying up all hours of the night. The exciting feeling of discovering the intimate secrets of each man propelled me forward. After about 10 days and countless hours of sleep lost to the net, I reached 300 answered questions. The initial excitement was becoming ho-hum, and I had this sinking feeling that if I answered any more of them I might seem crazy or desperate.
About two weeks into the experience I was overwhelmed. Not only had I been obsessed with the site for 14 days straight, I was also regularly getting new messages I felt compelled to respond to. In addition to living my normal life of work and socializing, it didn't seem possible to also respond thoughtfully and courteously to each man, as much as I felt that was the only proper and polite thing to do. I went to my ex for advice.
He said, "Tam, men are like sperm. They make up half the planet! There's billions of them and they'll always be more to meet. It's your job to block all but the right one! It's okay to keep some at bay." Words to live by.
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